Chelz Name and picture from twetch — not on-chain. The signature is; the profile is not.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly. People ask wire we were so harsh on him

My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective. I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead..

It was my signature move.

Eyelashes are suppose to prevent things from getting in your eyes but when I do have something in my eye, it’s always an eyelash.

Eyeronic

Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”.

I thought: “I just can’t turn that down.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale...

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.

I was in my garden and saw 10 ants running frantically...

So I made them a little house out of cardboard.

I guess that makes me their landlord and them...my tenants.

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You ARE the lawyer.

Lawyer: So where’s my present?

Manager: "Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?"

Me: “I bring a lot to the table.”

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.

Change my mind.

The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

Taco update:

🌮🌮🌮🌮🌮

Anyone uses relayx.io? Just comment, like and branch.

1. $10 & a token$
2. $5 & a token$
3. $3 & a token$

Just drop your relayx.io

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver.