Post by CS1

SELF PROCLAIMED “LAW OF THE JUNGLE CAPITALIST” SURPRISED BY CAVEMAN'S REQUEST

WASHINGTON- It was all fun and games when his claims of “embracing competition” and “free markets” went unchallenged. “When I could write the rules I knew nobody could actually compete and the world was a better place,” said John Smith, a self-proclaimed “law of the jungle capitalist” who got a shock at his front door Friday night.

Mr. Smith was surprised when around 7:30 pm, a poor caveman with no money rang the doorbell and requested to physically fight him for his property, women, and crypto.

“I didn't mean real competition, I meant competition where the government provides my corporate welfare," Smith stated. The author of NYT best seller 'Hardcore Capitalism,' immediately called the police to ask for government assistance when confronted by the caveman.

The incident occurred in a high-end neighborhood outside of Washington, D.C. The "victim" identified by 911 recordings was indeed John Smith, a wealthy businessman who recently made headlines while promoting his new book and controversial views on capitalism.

Smith had appeared on Fox Business earlier in the week where he made fantastical claims the United States is a “free market” economy where only the fittest should survive.

When Smith opened his door Friday evening, he was astonished to find the disheveled caveman standing there with a club in his hand.

The caveman identified himself as Ugg and said he came from the Stone Age in search of wealth and power. He claimed to be a "free market purist" like Mr. Smith. Ugg demanded Smith fight him fair and square for his “property, women, and crypto” or else face certain death.

Smith quickly shut the door and called 911 for help. With desperation in his voice on the recordings, he pleaded with police to intervene before Ugg could cause any harm or damage to his home or possessions.

“Can you imagine if like 50 or 100 of these cavemen just appeared and suddenly wanted to take over our beloved gated community? What kind of world would that be?”

Fortunately, officers arrived promptly and were able to subdue Ugg without injuries sustained by either party involved. Ugg is currently being held at a local jail pending further investigation into this bizarre incident. Police are skeptical of his origins. Ugg maintains he is just a caveman who like Mr. Smith, just firmly believes in competition and survival of the fittest.

Meanwhile, Smith has been left shaken by this unexpected encounter but is grateful he was able to call upon government for assistance when he needed it most.

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